I’m Pretty Bull-Headed

I’m Pretty Bull-Headed

I’m still waiting for that perfect moment. When our paths cross, when a smile is exchanged, when some sort of acknowledgement happens between two glances to signal to each party that this is a salvageable relationship.

That is my prayer at least.

Almost eight years ago, I had a falling out with a friend and team member.  It sucked.  Probably the worst moment in my entire 20-year career of ministry.

Time has passed, and the anger has long since ceased but the burn is still there.  I’ve worked hard in my heart to turn my ‘enemy’ into someone I could truly pray for.  There is a reason Jesus calls us to pray for our enemies—it’s nearly impossible to keep someone in ‘enemy status’ in our minds when we actively pray blessing for them.  God has done a work in my heart where I can honestly say I want nothing but the best for them. But they don’t know that.

So I keep praying for that moment when God allows reconciliation to happen.  Forgiveness is a tricky thing.  I don’t really know how to go about it when it doesn’t flow two ways.  I don’t know how to do it when the open door doesn’t present itself. I only know to work on my own heart and ask God to help guide me through this process and allow it to come to fruition.

I can’t say I’m great at forgiveness.  I’m actually pretty bull-headed, stubborn, proud and resistant to admitting fault. I don’t like being wrong, especially when I’m not! Ha!  I can list a million reasons why it’s always someone else’s fault and feel completely justified in taking zero action in moving toward reconciliation.

I’m so glad that even in our stubborn, bull-headed and proud states, God continues to work with us and call us to deeper places of His love!

Leah Carolan
Director of Worship & Media


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